Rolly’s blog

                               Ha ha ha i m here! Friday evening 6:48pm, almost empty school,empty Costa(social learning area)! me and kully my friend are only here! are we Sad or Serious?

a lot of people call me Snobbish! some have a different impression about me,that i can Taalk! well, it depends on the circumstances,i am talkative when i m happy! otherwise,i m nice & helpful but quieter. i donno why am i saying this?

So i was saying,that my creative enquiry started around Feb'09. I considered studying Textiles more because i wanted to stay in Wolverhampton. moving out for just another year was not really a very practical idea;so i stayed!

This was my best summer ever! my trip to Jordan Syria and Lebanon has been an amazing experience in everyway,especially interems of Finding inspirations: Architecture, landscape, Food, History...tell me about it! Syria looked richer in Craft where Jordan was more History, natural beauty between jordan and lebanon are incomparable. i believe Lebanon is greener than jordan. 3 weeks wasnt enough to explore and learn much about those countries,but i tried my best to grasp as much as i could. Capturing nice odd and interesting moments in my camera kept me active! Hope i will travel again to those enchanting and heart warming countries,but if not i shall still Cherish all the  energy and inspiration i got, and through my works i shall express my expeiences and my gratitude; and i'd tell the tales of my amazing experiences of those few days sin a foreign land, spent amongst my family after 2 hard years in wolverhampton!

Sept-dec'09: I came back with a lot of Inspiration a lot of enthusiasm and mental energy;but my health isnt with me atall. everyday i am losing strength! i pull myself up once in a while trying to complete things in time but i find it hard! my health pulling me backwards when i havent got much time, but toomany things to do and a lot to achieve....!

i struggle with myself everyday.its not that i have lost interest or running out of ideas,its rather i have toomany ideas and too little time! and, my health is behaving like a Bitch with me, its not allowing me to do things i want to do; i m only doing things that i have to,whereas i aspire to explore somany ideas in my head: volunteering in a nursery to collect stories from children, spending alot of time in my studio drawing patterns and reading more about my areas of interests; its like i know what i want and i need to do but cant collect energy to go for it. do i make sense? or am i trying to find excuses to be lazy. i m not lazy,trust me! i m ill and i m exhausted....i am very very exhausted!

Hmmmmmmmmmm! We are all Unique individuals with different traits& patterns of thoughts and behaviour! we are all driven by different emotions? needs? to make our own space and voice our statements in this place called Earth. Dont we all?

    My creative enquiry started long before i started my MA in Textiles; I can clearly straightaway track  back to February 2009 when i was at last semester of my BA in FineArt at the School of Art and design, uni of Wolverhampton, thats when my creative enquiry for my MA started!

I consider, my creative enquiry started at the age of 10? when i failed at 4th grade in school, yes i had to repeat my 4th year in school! it was a horrible sad demeanning... feeling! They made me feel sooooooo ashamed because i failed, instead of giving me courage and inspiration to do better! What a shame! yes thats the kind of family i have.

my parents were too busy with my dad's career and his activities; we were raised by my aunts mostly-who claim to be supporting their sister and use that excuse to get to her off and on! They show all their love through possesssion: they'll feed you till throat then will make u throw up if u dont abide by their instructions.!!!!!!!!!!!! Why am i saying all these? perhaps because i still could not detoxify myself from their...ignorant judgemental possesive caniving... behaviour even at 34yrs!

                                 i am one of those Perfectionists who is not perfect atall ! 

Never afraid of Challenges,naturally analytical and empathic I am capable of  finding solutions to things quite quickly(because my brain wont rest untill i have found a way). Therefore, i am easily destracted, and find new interests every other moment; Often, having too many interests and ideas disturbs me from focusing on one particular thing! sometimes my ideas seem like curses for my life, than feeling Gifted!

The most important thing to me is my Identity. i have always been pretty self conscious;which perhaps symbolises Lower self esteem! I am always wary about What message am i conveying thrugh my behaviour and my point of perspective?

Only the last 12yrs of my life have been very significant and eventful; Childhood memories are more full of being emotionally bullied by family and friends; lots of insecured feelings! i hate that, i do!

1997 till Now, life has been a journey of Self discovery. Running away from the stifle atmosphere...while studying BA in Economics,at the age of 22 i left home for Newyork to become a fashion designer,

I ended up graduating in FineArt on 2001 from Laguardia community college, NYC. 4 tireless yrs in newyork still was a lot about my family! yet i learnt new things to be more independent. i acquired Home without a partner, i became a mother but not my own child! nannyed my cousin, cooked for family and friends, and my hours in School; hours in school  were my best hours! i loved spending time in the studio and loved my Homeworks! 

                                                        i love to Draw and i love to write! 

i was happy to have studied FineArt but my passion for fashion remained unfulfilled! as i got back and trapped in my homecountry in 2002, i chose to Exhale through a Fashion show i ever dreamt of! in just about 3 months, i managed to design clothes for 22 models(male and female) for about 6-9 Ques( may be more?)on the Ramp;

the designs included evening wear to casual street wear in both etnic and western styles, using mostly Asian fabrics;

the jewelleries i designed were primarily collected from an old jewellery store's Antique cabinet combined with my collection of pearls beads and semi precious stones collected from Newyork and Thailand.

The fashion show on 31st October'02 has been a great success. i sort of Came out off my shell for the 1st time in Life! i could smile freely and breathe! for the 1st time i felt 95% proud of myself! the 3 months preparation for the show was not easy, ldesigning clothes and jewelleries,looking for models- training them to walk- discipining their diets,  organizing the event,find a venue(at the only 5star hotel thosedays,Pan pacific hotel Sonargaon). finding an Anchor for the show was a drama too;thats another story for anoter day. all i can say is atleast 6 juicy drama's can be told from the 3months preparation for the show. Power play! power sway the tide ...your way!

the following year(2003) i fled back to newyork. i was suffocated at home! August 2003, i participated in a group art exhibion in Newyork as an Artist for the 1st time. i have had exhibition in my college where i studied in Newyork, but this time i was not a student Artist! Pitifully i was in Singapore for my mom's sugery, thus couldnt attend my own exhibition.

March2004 has brought the most Successful event in my life so far; my 1st and foremost Solo art exhibition was held for a week, in my home country. i sold around $5000 worth Art works. for my own stupity i missed the chance to sell more-wife of the Chairman of panpacific group or Toyota whom i used to know for the health club at the Panpacific hotel Sonargaon asked me to replicate 5 of my works; i got too involved about my brother's wedding and never got back to her! but i dont regret it much!

October 2004,i exhibitted my ideas to do with my passion to promote my Ethnic traditional Textiles. i hardly sold anything except from a few pieces of Sarees and jewelleries. but i m glad to have been able to exhibit and pay off the people who assisted me for the exhibition. no profit but not in debt either!!! 

There has been a few sad episodes by August 2005! I came to England on September 2005 to complete the Law degree i started to pursue since December 2003; what happened is that i went to see an old family friend i grew up with;her father is a colleague of my father since 1979 when my father was the youngest MP in the Parliament, and they were both Ministers of State, when i visited her) it so happened that Uncle insulted me for being Fat and an Artist! he doubted my calibre because i m not a Barrister!!!!!!!!!! to make the long story short, i started to study law to prove to myself  MY WORTH! it perhaps was a wrong move! but if i didnt enroll in that lousy lawschool i wouldnt have been here where i have Reached right now! i am happy i am here!

Toomuch have happened and i left law school! School of Art and design accepted me as a 2nd year student. September2007, i started as 2nd year FineArt student at the university of wolverhampton. life was too difficult thosedays! i sort of Escaped from my homecountry to takec my last chance to do something for myself! all the jewelleries i had i sold to feed and support myself to live here in England.i finished my degree despite a lot of hardship i been through both in my personal and academic life, besides worrying for my family back home in my home country, in newyork and my Financial constraint. i survived it! i conquered my fears my shortcomings my hurtles. i graduated on sept'09.atleast a few (4-6) good and solid stories can be found from my life during 2007-09!

So, coming back to February2009; i wished to do my MA in city university of Birmingham because they offer the course on Art health and wellbeing that we dont offer in our uni in wolverhampton. considering all the expenditures and practicality i decided to drop that and stay n wolverhampton for my MA, afterall its just another year!

My interest in Art and health was suppressed not diminished! in Manchester Art gallery on March 2009, i spent all day -attending an opening of an exhibition organised by 'Start'  on 'Art and mental health', and workshops on 'colour and mood'; i spent the day with lots of children more than adults. i realised my hidden maternal instinct...and my childhood came back in colours in flashes! i cried!

i always wanted to teach children because they are less prejudiced and more capable of learning. maybe also because i could mother them, because i always wished to be a mother first!

my problem is that i have an elephant's memory,i cant foget, cant easily let go, can hardly get over memories! so i want to release by 'Telling'.

 

 

At the Girls school in our village i wish to start Craft workshops for girls; i wish to arrange training sessions on Silversmithy, bsket making, pottery, sowing : dress making, pattern cutting, embroidery; Tapestry making, etc. aswell as poetry,drawing, Nursing,Mentoring and storytelling workshops which will enable them to Express their ideas more vocally and through actions! at the same time i wish to purchase atleast 1 computer for them which they can use in Turns to practicetowards mastering it. i wish to start projects on fihing gardenning and weaving/sowing aswell. moreso, Once a month i wish to hold a 'Market day ' where girls could sell these products they'll be making; based on that i could arrange Grants and scholarships forv them for their further education and betterment in career. nshallah!

Have you heard the expresssion 'tired from eating'? i mean i have no regrets if i die right now,becuse i m soooooooo full in my stomach right now! evertime we said we were full there came more!!!! and ofcourse food was delicious delectible mouthwatering and what  not? i loved it! Auriane's Chevre de chaud, quiche lorraine and Elise's prois belle helen...; i m blessed to have these girls for Friends. God Bless them.

Counting my fingers, yes it has been my 5th time to Liverpool! being the Cpital of culture2008 we had 4 trips through out the year to liverpool, and this was the only one this year. Howmuch i like liverpool! i have a weird connection to this place;perhaps because... hmmm my 1st paid job in England was the trip to liverpool on february 2008, and then i met aunty Norma, here. every time i am here it rains, only this time i was not drenched! wish i found a job in liverpool...

....!

i hardly have any memory of seein a moon during daytime; i mean, have i ever seen any? well i was amazed today while walking to school around 4pm! the Moon was Up in the sky...

 

Caroline is turning 50 tomorrow. we have been friends for more than 2 yrs now, feels like i have known her for years! we are quite opposite by nature yet simillar in our ways of perspective of life. sounds a bit weird but deep down we r quite the same,only express differently. She is soooo talented and knowledgeable i cant explain in words, and very kind and thoughtful too; often misunderstood for her niceness and emotional gestures but those people never forget to ask her favours when they need favours. i hope i'll never exploit her kindness and friendship! May God bless her with all the Happiness in the World: Her family with love good health and wealth, her husband more passionate and caring towards her, her daughters raised with proper education career and true life partner... God Bless! 

What a shame!

though,there is no one to blame!

time, divided by destiny

time,havent spent much, any?

time,havent got in hand,many!

its the  circle of life

craddling yet survive!

Love,seperated by destiny.

unexplained answers,many!

unclaimed rights,many?

undivided attention,funny!

its the stage called life

acting and strive!

Right time, the right person

chosen by destiny;

differences forgotten? many.

rewards begotten? many.

rest of the life Together?

again, a new journey!

 

Toomuch caring could be smothering

         perhaps i have done that.

Toomuch love could be suffocating

       perhaps i have done that.

Didnt realise,we will end thisway

before starting...had to give away!

           what a thing love is?

  multiple meanings of each things

  hurtful consequences life brings!

despite not meaning to people hurt

despite winning people still hurt!

       what brings happiness?

its the most diffficult question of all;

perspective of individual wishes,

could be spring summer or fall!